Journal

13:58: ok im going to rant a bit here but i mean nothing against Verbrechen or anyone working on nikki.top, i just have gripes with it as a user of this service. i think i first discovered nikki on r/neocities and in concept i really liked the idea of being able to just embed this iframe instead of manually typing in entries into my editor. i still do and prefer to write longer entries like this manually into the editor but sometimes i just want to say a short blurb or two which i really cannot be bothered to pull up in the editor for. another benefit of using this website is that i can easily access it and post from my phone. i can technically also access the neocities editor from my phone but i simply dont want to, its a fricking pain. basically, nikki is a good idea. not exactly original, but i havent really explored other embeddable blogging things.

with that being said, i have some issues with the overall ux. of course, im not well versed in web design but these are things that personally peeve me. firstly, the pages are a not very connected. since the post page is what i usually reach for, i bookmarked that page. however, sometimes i want to access the main site which is a bit tedious because there is no home button on the post page so i have to manually delete post.php from the address bar. this applies to all the other pages you can access from the homepage, except for the profile page, that one is special, i guess.

secondly, the forums. i first went there a few days ago and it vexes me. the first thing i noticed was that the font colour (purple) was not very readable against the black background. i just checked on webaim.org's contrast checker and it completely fails. i dont have the best eyesight so it is quite a problem for me. i saw someone else on the forum point it out but you can only ever see the 4 most recent posts. you cant even see that post because it became the fifth most recent post so i guess it's just lost to the void. this hardly feels like a forum, to be honest. well, im no frequenter of forums but in my experience forums have the post titles then you click on it for the full thread. you do set a title for posts but i dont know where they go. im assuming the lack of use for the post titles is because posts are on the most recent section. this forum has been up for like a month so im assuming there are more features planned for it in the future which may explain its current state.

this is less of a gripe and more like a hope but i wish this site was responsive. using it on mobile is quite odd because of the size of the text box. its either i zoom out and cant see what im typing or i zoom in and cant see what ive typed as a whole. its not a big issue, but i nitpick.

i just wanted to rant about this a bit. idk if there was more i wanted to say but this is it for now. generally, nikki is a good concept, the excecution just fails in certain areas which i happen to be quite annoyed with. it has some intersting features, im particularly interested in the existence of a private messaging system. i didnt think that would be something available on a site like this considering that i personally see this site more like status.cafe but with no character limit and less of a social site where i would want to talk with people but that's cool. ok bye.

Edit 1 Dec : I notice that the dates don't follow my own timezone... I just made a post and the date on it is still 30 Nov but it is already 1 Dec for me.

12:20: the movies lied. prom isnt all that. im writing this on a friday but actually prom was last monday i just couldnt really be bothered to write about it before. idk how prom is in other countries, but literally my only impression of prom was from movies. many months ago i was kind of looking forward to prom? i wanted to fulfill my fashion dreams but i dont think i was excited for prom itself. especially as it got closer, i really couldnt imagine what was going to happen and because of that i moreso felt dread. i didnt really want to see my schoolmates tbh, ive drifted from pretty much everybody ive made friends with except my current friends. my friends were coming over before prom so we could get ready and play a bit together so i was more worried about that than prom itself. that part was okay, i liked playing with my friends. it was the first time i hosted my own friends. ever. at my big age :laughing crying emoji:

so i was already dreading prom, and i was immediately overwhelmed when i entered the venue. there were a few things i was really worried that if happened i would literally kill myself socially. everyone else was dressed amazing, i was totally outdressed. the emcee makes me want to choke myself sometimes. he opened the event with a 67 JOKE. WHO IS THIS UNC. its not like ive never made a 67 joke. in fact i may do it to an extreme extent at times. but at least im hip and young #fellowkids. we started with bingo and this guy is like "if you have a bingo, you must shout 67 and everyone else at the table must do the hand gesture" :skull emoji: also i found out later on that every table was given the same card so #rigged amiright. i think after that they let us eat the buffet. it was okay, nothing special.

the order of events is blurry for me, it was almost two weeks ago after all. there was this lucky draw thing. i think everyone was automatically added as participants and a lot of people just got random vouchers, but the higher prizes were like vouchers to resorts world sentosa?? hello?? insane stuff. there was word search that was the part i was most engaged in. we were nowhere close to winning though lol. oh yeah the most important part: beauty pageant. idk how the participants were chosen but one person from each class was a nominee then they answered questions. we got to vote for the 3 finalists but the actual prom queen was chosen by the judges. the other two got to be prom princesses at least. nglllll was it a beauty pageant.. or a popularity contest. actually it might be more of a charisma contest, but those people are also the most popular lol.

thats like about it. it was 2.5 hours and it ended late enough that we couldnt really do much of anything after the event. afterwards everyone was mostly taking pictures. i didnt really take many pictures tho, unless other people asked for one. i didnt even post pictures of me. yeeeeahhhhhhhhh. i wasnt very engaged or had people i wanted to see so maybe that contributed to my boredom. dude now that i think about it i think i havent left the house in a week (since last thursday) aggggghhhh. ive been saying i want to go out but i dont think i actually want to. the loneliness migggght be getting to me but ive been lonely for like at least two years now so this is normal. just gotta focus on my hobbies. ok ciel out it took me like an hour to write this to tell you how MID prom was.

its that time of the year again..!!! the time where my feelings of wanting to disappear get a little too real and i start going MiA online. im someone who usually overshares on the internet like i have a whatsapp status i have pikidiary and usually i tend to be quite active in these places. i dont text people that often because well the people closest to me (which is like 2) can just see what im up to from these other places. but recently after like my exams finished and stuff ive kind of had a lot less to say so naturally i havent been posting as much. it even feels weird to post idk i just feel unnecessarily awkward about it. as a chronic oversharer its during these times when i overthink more about what i share and whether its necessary. so sometimes when im not posting as much anyway or i posted a lot the previous day i even make it a point on to post. which is me right now my streak is currently 1 day (a whole 24 hours). i started doing this kinda thing last year already and i guess i am really insecure so i always wonder if people notice im gone. would anyone really care if i disappeared for a bit. i made the mistake of expressing this on my status and my friend said they noticed. unfortunately my brain tells me everyone is a fucking liar so i cant believe it. i suck i know. this current one cant keep up for long anyway since prom is next week so im meeting my friends and im probably going to post about it but for now at least im going to act like i dont exist. my longest streak of going MiA was almost a week, short by a few hours because i was undisciplined. i was actively ignoring messages btw and im the type to usually respond to messages quickly. maybe this is a really toxic thing of me to do. maybe thats why my friend (that same friend) sent me a random message.. why do i keep doing this. why do i keep feeling this way. there are people who care about me but why do i pretend they dont exist. why do i pretend that i dont exist. anyway im still going to keep this up its not like i have anything to say. maybe its weird that im saying im disappearing but im still here but idk my website is a little more private, weirdly. like its not guaranteed anyone will see it especially if i delete the update on my neocities profile.

honestly this is just the holiday mood for me. i always feel kind of depressed which might be because ive suddenly been taken out of my normal routine. which is weird because i was also kind of depressed being in the routine but at least i had regular social interaction.

ah idk if i like writing here tbh i always get kind of distracted and sometimes i transition into another point when theres still more to say about the previous one. im just not good at fully expressing myself but whatever gets the job done i guess. i just feel like everyone's fed up with my shit man, disappearing every so often, being so moody and only thinking of my self. in my own world. id be tired of myself tbh idk how my friends put up with this.

im really hungry right now. having all the cravings. sleeping doesnt seem very.. appealing (its 11.35pm right now). man maybe theres more i could be doing right now but i know taking care of my health is important so ill probably try to sleep after this. is this all i wanted to say? okay. good night.